On this page, I write about things that are interesting to me.
Today’s song is “Smells Like Teen Spirt.” A great song, but not the kind of uplifting tone that gets me through the moods I’m having right now (although it definitely lifts me up for a bit).
It is making the list today for a different reason. This lyric is for everyone not self-isolating as much as possible:
”I feel stupid, and contagious”
For those that know me well, I have struggled with depression since at least 2016. There are many, many factors that cause a person to get depressed, but I think the fact that I listened to far less music contributed to it. For much of my life, I had music sitting right by my side and I never put much thought into how it affected my mood.
As I adjusted to life as a dad, music faded into the background. I needed to listen to music as loud as I wanted; whenever I wanted. It’s difficult to manage that need with getting kids to bed and not waking them up. So, over time… I spent less and less time really absorbing music. It was gradual and the effect was I didn’t really notice it. Meanwhile, my life was changing and I was not connecting with my emotions less and less without even noticing it.
Late last year, I finally started to figure out that my connection with music was a big factor in my mood. It started off as feeling good when I was listening to certain songs. Then I realized that it was the lyrics were getting into emotions that I didn’t deal with on my own.
From there on, with nothing more than endorphins leading the way I started making sure I found time for music when I was down.
I had a whole three months of feeling in control. It was amazing, but with the world falling apart, I’ve been slipping back into depression again. It’s absolutely terrified me. We are fine financially, I don’t think either of us will lose our jobs, but I’m so worried for so many people I know. I had been losing control of my emotions again and I was in freefall.
I was out for a run this afternoon and “Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie came on. Everything came rushing back to me. I’m not alone and I’m not in a place that no one has been before. I can lean on music to get me through this dark spot.
In the world of today, we all need to know that we’re not in this fight alone. So I’m going to start posting a song a day that gives me hope.
The first one is “Under Pressure” (obviously).
What I connect with on this song is how it’s about someone watching friends in dire straits.
I don’t have any great insight into the lyrics that I feel like sharing. This song makes me feel better and I hope this might connect with someone else because we’re not in this alone.
Some lyrics that I can’t stop thinking about today:
“It's the terror of knowing what the world is about…”
“Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work”
“Insanity laughs under pressure we're breaking”
“And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves”
I have been pretty critical of my photos over the past six months or so. I’ve had a hard time getting motivated to shoot and when I do, I don’t really like anything I end up with. So I’ve ended up with a massive photographer’s block. I figure I can start writing as another avenue to try and clear that block out of my mind.
I think what has happened is that I’ve transitioned from shooting for fun and getting some great shots to trying to add to that portfolio of great shots with the same high quality at all times. It’s insane, but that’s where I’m at.
My style of shooting (and just life in general) doesn’t lend itself well to churning out a lot of good pieces. Always being ready for what I find is the biggest key. Something I’ve never really noticed before will catch my eye… or the light is just right… and bam, my head starts trying to compose the shot. Unfortunately this block has made me not bring my camera with everywhere, leading to a vicious cycle of being frustrated.
I’m not exactly sure what to do, but sitting down and doing this seems to have helped. Also, I did bolt out of the house today to catch a pretty phenomenal rainbow. I screwed up a few things, so I didn’t quite get what I wanted. However, I do love the composition on this one.
lake harriet - minneapolis, minnesota - july 15, 2019
A tough thing about trying to turn my hobby into a small business is that I have to make some hard decisions. Which of my pictures I am going to put in the galleries here? I enjoy taking these pictures so much and take care to finish them. It leaves me emotionally tied to everything that gets exported out of Lightroom.
Read MoreOne thing I have learned over the last year is that I need to willing to be seen by people. I need to expose who I am so that I can connect with people. Through photography, I have been able to do that and it has been thrilling (and exhausting). I have been growing as a person and it's a lot less scary. I am going to start writing here to share what I am doing as a photographer and as a person. So... here goes:
One thing I have struggled with in my life is to start something without knowing what it will look like in the end. A leap of faith with even the most trivial things meant that I didn't do it at all. I didn't need to know what the path looked like (I could improvise) or if there would be unseen obstacles (I'd figure it out), but I needed to know what the end would be. Open-ended commitments like a photography business or a blog terrified me. I dove in to photography after growing as a hobbyist and it's been so much fun. I have become much more of an extrovert and feel a connection to people that I never had before. I make small talk, I help others, I don't feel like I'm a burden on others... It's been strange to find out that I was hiding so much that would make me happier in life.
Anyway... This is me taking another step into an unknown. I don't know what this blog will have in it, but I expect I will share personal things as well as talk about where my head is at from a photography standpoint. Probably other things too. That's ok.